Sometimes I think about my situation in the real world... which would be homeless jobless moneyless beerless... thinking about robbing strangers for beer money cigarette money... any kind of money... trying to get a job anywhere at this point... anywhere... destitute kind of anywhere's... well anyway, sometimes I take this into consideration, all these things going on... and I think okay my only way out of this hole I've created for myself is to do something better than good, more than spectacular... I mean my dad is gonna help me out some, but then I'm gonna owe him hundreds of dollars... so I'm getting out of one hole and into another hole... all I really want is to move to Portland and pretend none of this really ever happened... I'm Victoria Manthei from Portland, Oregon... not that stupid girl you met in Kalamazoo, hell I've never even heard of that place... you must be making it up... Kalamazoo isn't real...

well, so what I'm saying is that the six hundred or so pages I've written can't go to waste... I have to finish them, publish them, edit them... do all that and maybe maybe I'll make some money, become famous, have a real life... maybe even have a family, people who care about me and children or one... I don't know... pipedreams never got me anywhere and I don't think they will ever...

I'm so fucking what's the word... disgruntled, angry, upset, worried, sick so many things.... so many negative things... I can't be positive... I have a disease... a negative disease... fuck it right?

fuck it right?

I guess so...