| I killed myself, but for some reason I feel more alive than ever... Am I trapped in an alternate reality where these events will keep repeating themselves and I will never realize it? If so I hope one day I will realize it, so I can cherish days like this more knowing they were some of the best days of my life... and cherish some of the days past more knowing that things don't last forever, knowing that things fall apart... I wouldn't even try to stop them from falling apart, I'd just appreciate the time all of this fucking time... I'm kind of lost in this thought I'm having, I'm not even sure where it's going... what it means exactly... a repetition for appreciation of all I've been given and all I've wasted... like a second chance to love this shitty life... same shitty life, different perspective... nervous and negative no more.... If only...
Why would you be sad thinking of me... because somehow we got lost in misunderstandings and melodrama... somehow we didn't connect and one thing means one thing and another thing and so on... I feel sad too, thinking about what I may have lost... what I did lose... loose change falling into the couch, a love letter caught by strong wind... it all just blew away... and it's my fault it's my fault it's my fault... Sometimes {always} I'd rather die than eat, rather die than sleep, rather die than work, rather die than go outside, rather die than write, rather die than read, rather die than watch tv, rather die than buy the 8mile soundtrack, rather die than drive, walk talk be... but I'm so weak and scattered... so afraid and worried... that I just can't do it... it just surprises me, because when I was in my last relationship, supposedly happy, I attempted thrice, now and since it ended I have wanted and not had the guts... So weird... seems like it'd be easier having nothing to live for, but myself.... seems like I'm crazy andshouldstopfeelingthisway... no wonder noonelikesme.... i'm so depressing... reality sucks... bites I guess... I went to work today... I had a good time and time flew.... isn't it funny how I started this off talking about appreciating my shitty life more and ended it with the desperate suicide talk "I'm so wont to spew volumes of" I wish you still cared, I wish you ever cared, I wish life were easy, I wish god didn't hate me, I wish I didn't hate me, I wish you loved me, I wish I weren't so lonely, I wish I had some money, I wish to god I wish to god I wish to god.... fuck it...right? why does that always apply to whatever I'm talking about? |
| My Fucking Interests Who I Used To Be Evidence | thanks for stopping - 2005-02-11 everyone is - 2004-04-22 haven't i said this before - 2003-11-04 i remember northern - 2003-09-09 i'm trying to relate to others - 2003-07-07 | Caught up... not caught up in the good way either, like caught up on school work or caught up on mortgage payments... just fucking caught up in everything... so fucking caught up in everything that I can't function... or at least well... I hope you know I am eternally sorry for how I am... for what I am... |